Advice and urgent help needed

[Mouse]

I think I've finally solved the answer to my quest for the perfect body.

In truth, I can't be bothered myself to read anything or to try to understand anything so I joined a web forum and asked for some one to just sort me out with a magic routine - here's my first post.

Tell me what exactly to eat and when. Can I do anything else if I don't like an exercise. I need the perfect body - help.

This guy who replied was perfect.
He told me that he would do everything for me and I could just sit and watch the TV.
He said he would make all my food. It would be exactly what I needed to grow big. He would make sure the protein/carb/fat split was right and that I was eating just the right type of food. Also he said what I would be eating would be my favourite foods all the time.
I told you, this guy is great - I never even told him what I like and don't like - he just knows.

He said he could even get some sleep in for me which would really help. I mean I like staying up and watching films on the TV and often miss breakfast the next day. This guy said not to worry as he could eat breakfast for me.

The best thing though - and how I know all this will really work - the guy said that weight training was hard and will only get harder the heavier weights I try to lift - he said this is why most people don't have any success at this.
No-one sticks at it because it's hard work. Usually people moan that it hurts a bit or they get a bit sore - so this guy said - he would do all my squats and deadlifts so I didn't have to.

Can you believe it?
So he's going to do my workouts
Prepare my food - and eat some of it if I sleep in or can't manage
Even get extra sleep in for me

Obviously I can't post more as this is top secret stuff.


( )

[guru]

Obviously I can't post more as this is top secret stuff.

Hey Mouse, that's a breach. You should not have posted even this much. You promised me.

(I won't give my name, I promised Mouse)

[DaveT]

If I wrap cling film around my waist when doing the high rep crunches, will that help with the spot fat reduction?

Also add salty slices of cucumber on the eyes which will help drain excess fluids via your tear ducts giving you a more cut look.

However, what concerns me the most is that you have a routine. A routine is completely pointless as you need to listen to your body and decide what to do on the day when you arrive at the gym. A routine will make you feel that you have to achieve a certain level of training on that day, rather than just training to what feels comfortable. It can be highly dangerous to exert your muscles, thus damaging the fibers. Always keep well within your limits.

[Mouse]

If I wrap cling film around my waist when doing the high rep crunches, will that help with the spot fat reduction?

Also add salty slices of cucumber on the eyes which will help drain excess fluids via your tear ducts giving you a more cut look.

Don't pretend you know what you're talking about Dave.
Cucumber - rubbish.
Everone knows you use salty slices of aubergine on your eyes as it draws more fluid faster and to get a quicker, more cut look - tape a clear plastic bag over your head.

[ryanflyer05]

If I wrap cling film around my waist when doing the high rep crunches, will that help with the spot fat reduction?

Also add salty slices of cucumber on the eyes which will help drain excess fluids via your tear ducts giving you a more cut look.

However, what concerns me the most is that you have a routine. A routine is completely pointless as you need to listen to your body and decide what to do on the day when you arrive at the gym. A routine will make you feel that you have to achieve a certain level of training on that day, rather than just training to what feels comfortable. It can be highly dangerous to exert your muscles, thus damaging the fibers. Always keep well within your limits.

Usually my body tells me to do curls and flyes, so I head right over to the power rack and get down to business.

[DaveT]

If I wrap cling film around my waist when doing the high rep crunches, will that help with the spot fat reduction?

Also add salty slices of cucumber on the eyes which will help drain excess fluids via your tear ducts giving you a more cut look.

Don't pretend you know what you're talking about Dave.
Cucumber - rubbish.
Everone knows you use salty slices of aubergine on your eyes as it draws more fluid faster and to get a quicker, more cut look - tape a clear plastic bag over your head.

The added advantage of tears streaming from your face is that the women in the gym will think that you're a sensitive guy (remember, that's why we're really here, to impress the ladies!). If you add a good bawl to every rep, this will also impress the guys as they will realise how much weight you must be lifting. With all this crying and bawling, you'll soon become the gym god and 'go to' guy for everyone.

[namaste]

Also, remember to switch up your routine every week to "shock" the body into ultimate growth.

Doing one exercise and then blowing your bodies mind by doing a different one 7 days later will cause it to go into hypertrophic shock, thus resulting in maximum absorption of all the protein that floats around in the air.

[Gvonf]

Actually, I was told that replacing your eyeballs with these account as the most effective method in drawing fluid from eyes. Sight is impaired a bit, but what the hell.

[paulreads]

"Invert, always invert." MJH has some serious 2nd order Jacobian mojo.

[markg]

If I wrap cling film around my waist when doing the high rep crunches, will that help with the spot fat reduction?

Also add salty slices of cucumber on the eyes which will help drain excess fluids via your tear ducts giving you a more cut look.

Don't pretend you know what you're talking about Dave.
Cucumber - rubbish.
Everone knows you use salty slices of aubergine on your eyes as it draws more fluid faster and to get a quicker, more cut look - tape a clear plastic bag over your head.

Would it help if you actually filled the plastic bag with slices of salted aubergine before taping it over your head? Or is that likely to lead to overtraining?

[stallion87]

Guy at the gym told me the secret to success. Never use a Olympic bar, if you use a standard 1 inch bar You can clearly put more weights on either side. I couldn't believe it till I saw it!

[Nilan666]

Just love the way we poke fun at all these BB routines...

[Reydebastos]

I see that the material we're coming up with now is still as fresh as the first post. I wonder if anybody would make spoof-motivational posters with some of these gems?!?!

[lovestolift]

I see that the material we're coming up with now is still as fresh as the first post. I wonder if anybody would make spoof-motivational posters with some of these gems?!?!

Here. Have at it.

[DaveT]

I see that the material we're coming up with now is still as fresh as the first post. I wonder if anybody would make spoof-motivational posters with some of these gems?!?!

Thanks lovestolift for that website!