Building Relationship Skills

[mdonnelly]

Earlier this year, I took a test for my work that is tied to a Gallup research study. It was called StrengthFinder 2.0 (here's some more information on it: http://strengths.gallup.com/110440/Abou ... der-2.aspx). After taking the test, my work had a meeting and printed out everybody's scores, placing them in a few different categories based up the attributes they displayed in answers to the poll. For mine, I had lot of points in the Achievement-based and analytical categories, but zero, absolutely zero in the relationship-building category. Now the philosophy of StrengthFinder is that you should focus solely on your strengths and try to consistently work on improving those while largely ignoring your weaknesses. I guess that type of thinking has some merit, but I almost completely disagree with ignoring your weakness. I wouldn't be where I am with weightlifting (or a lot of things) today if I did that.

Now, going back to what the test said, I have no skill in building relationships. Now that is true in regards to romantic relationships, I've only had a few girlfriends in my life, and none of them ended up being serious. But as far as my family is concerned, I'm not "lovey-dovey" with them, or tell them what I really think about them out loud, but they know how I feel about them and I would kill for any of them. The same goes with a lot of my close friends.

But in looking at that assessment, while it may not be accurate, I want to really get this relationship stuff handled. I'm one of those guys who can go out and meet people with ease, and generate lots of attraction in those situations, but when I try to step into a deeper relationship with women, it always falls apart (which, I admit, is partly because of my pursuing). Does anybody know of any good resources on building long-lasting romantic relationships? I'm just so sick of things going awry in this area of my life. I take full responsibility for my situation, but I want to stop looking back and getting this on track for the long haul.

Thank you.

[Gringo]

You have had friends (and some good ones too) - you have had girlfriends as well : that test is BS. Just chill man... resorting to statistics isn't always the best bet. Be yourself. Focus on what you enjoy doing and do it intensely.

[Mehdi]

The strengthfinder philosophy of focussing on strength not weaknesses makes sense in the business world (delegate instead of learning new skills, more work done). But I don't agree with neglecting social skills, really hard to delegate networking. Daniel Goleman said that in businesses with high IQs people, it's social intelligence that makes the difference.

Find out who & what the problem is. Are you choosing the wrong person (no blaming though) or is it you.

David Deida's way of superior man is where you should start.
How to win friends & influence people is social 101, there's a chapter on relationships btw.
Allan Please's How to be a people magnet, highly recommend it.

[Trifin]

David Deida's way of superior man is where you should start.

I 2nd that. This book is the shit.

[mdonnelly]

Cool, I've been meaning to check Deida out and I already have a vintage copy of How to Win Friend & Influence people that my dad gave me (I've read once, but def need a refresher) I have been looking getting the Goleman book for awhile, but also have been looking at this one by Albrecht (incidentally of the same name, but supposedly easier to read) http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/047044 ... 5X00CX8425

Thanks guys.

[hexagonsun]

You're not alone in lacking genuine relationship skills.

I had many of these issues too - lots of 'superficial' friends and relationships outside my immediate family, but no true friends or romances. I thought I'd been 'in love' with a handful of girls in the past, but I only recently realised that it wasn't true love. It was all about me.

Why did I have this problem? Because my ego prevented me from developing meaningful relationships. Reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth helped to change my whole mindset on life and be aware of my thoughts and behaviours. I always blamed others or external factors for my failed relationships in the past, but it was me all along. True happiness is within all of us, but we need to let go of the 'inner chatter' that prevents us from genuinely opening up to others.

I could be totally wrong on your situation(!), but this is how I changed myself for the better.