complaints from the wife, family

[un8eliever]

I feel for you mate - when I started weight training my wife acted as though I had taken up masturbating as a hobby. Seriously, she always came out with some snide comment when she saw me working out and clearly resented the time I took out for myself.

I couldn't understand it at first and got quite upset about it. Eventually I realised she was just feeling bad about herself (she is slightly overweight after having three children, but I don't care about this) and she took my new lifestyle as some kind of comment on her. We discussed this and she admitted as much. All she needed was a bit of reassuring that this wasn't about her, it was about me, and I just wanted to be as fit and strong as I could be, and set a good example to my kids.

After this the snide comments stopped and she accepted that working out was just going to be part of my routine from now on. She's also now started keeping fit and eating better herself, which is all good.

So as with most things in marriage, communication is probably the key. As for the in-laws, who cares?

[Tresbien]

Thanks for the comments guys. It's been a while since I've been to the site, but a lot of the things still apply. I might as well give some of the comments I've had and that I've been getting, they are kind of funny:

"What am I going to do with you? If your thighs get any bigger you won't be able to buy pants anymore."
"Your just like a typical man, all you want to do is get bigger."
"What's the point in wanting to lift 200kg?
"Muscles are ugly."
"You should try swimming or jogging, they are better for you."
"If you get any bigger you won't be able to buy clothes here."
"Honey, if you want my opinion, guys who swim have nicer bodies than weightlifters."
etc.

They are funny when I put it in context, I just wish they would give me a nick name like "The Bull". The insecurity about the whole strength training bit is probably cultural. The types who come to gyms here, besides other foreigners, are mostly "lower class" types with tattoos that don't want the emaciated farmer look of so many here. There is an air here of rebelliousness or hooliganism about want to get strong. That being said, they are almost always friendly across the board and polite, with the exception of the resident "Alpha Male" puffing his chust out and never without his trust belt.

[Love_Deadlifts]

Wow, are you still getting the comments? I figured it would have tapered off by now, it's been 3 months! Are people are seriously so insecure that they have to try to drag other people down with them? Well apparently they are, so all i can say is, stay the course bro.

[MrWalk]

Thanks for the comments guys. It's been a while since I've been to the site, but a lot of the things still apply. I might as well give some of the comments I've had and that I've been getting, they are kind of funny:

"What am I going to do with you? If your thighs get any bigger you won't be able to buy pants anymore."
"Your just like a typical man, all you want to do is get bigger."
"What's the point in wanting to lift 200kg?
"Muscles are ugly."
"You should try swimming or jogging, they are better for you."
"If you get any bigger you won't be able to buy clothes here."
"Honey, if you want my opinion, guys who swim have nicer bodies than weightlifters."
etc.

Man, that seems like quite a lot to handle right there. Not that you can't easily handle it, but that's a lot of negative energy being thrown at you to have to ignore.

Try:
"Watch me walk around naked from the waist down."
"Seems like wanting to get bigger is the opposite of the typical man here."
"To lift 210kg next."
"Ugly is in the eye of the beholder."
"I like to swim and jog."
"I'll buy clothes elsewhere or go naked."
"I don't want your opinion unless it's positive or helpful. Competitive swimmers, like many other athletes, often lift weights too. It makes them better."


Hopefully, some semi-comic relief. I do get hit hard with the negative sometimes myself. I am just practicing turning every negative comment into something positive or at least heard and discarded right then and there.

[Tresbien]

Thanks again for the replies. It is a lot of negative energy, but strength training is basically like anything else. You will get blamed, criticized, etc., for whatever you do, regardless of why or what it is that you do. I didn't hit the gym for a while because of laziness, but instead concentrated on pistols, one-hand push-ups, but I didn't like I how I felt.

Mehdi has said "Do it for yourself" over and over again, and the power of those words never diminishes. It is really amazing how it is impossible to please other people. There is another quote from Mehdi that I really like, "Don't try to look like others. Make others want to look like you."

Since we are on quotes, MrWalk, your signature reminds of something my dad used to say to motivate me to help him change the transmission on the family pick-up. Classic!

[MrWithers]

Its sabotage, plain and simple!

http://www.tmuscle.com/free_online_arti ... s_sabotage

http://tnation.tmuscle.com/free_online_ ... xic_people

The V-Diet and Toxic People


Most V-Dieters go it alone, often while being told how "crazy" they are for doing it. The greatest enemy of the V-Diet isn't fast food and comfortable couches, it's other people. In many cases, these other people can be classified as toxic.

The concept of toxic people was popularized by Dr. Lillian Glass in her book by the same name. A toxic person is basically anyone who holds you back, cuts you down, makes you experience any number of negative emotions on a regular basis, and generally causes you to feel like a piece of toilet paper, and not that nice triple-quilted stuff either. A toxic person can be a friend, a co-worker, a family member, and even a spouse.

A V-Diet saboteur, as I call them, is out to sabotage your training and diet program. He or she can do this overtly or covertly, and through physical or emotional manipulations. Let's go through some examples:

* A family member cooks you your favorite cheat food and encourages you to "live a little" and give up the diet.

* A friend drops seemingly casual but negative comments:

"Yeah, you've lost some fat, but that can't be healthy."

"It's great that you lost ten pounds so far, but when you lose weight fast it always comes back."

* A co-worker knows you're dieting yet keeps offering you junk food. This office saboteur has been known to wave doughnuts in your face in a "joking" manner. He or she may also refer to you as a "health nut" or "fanatic."

* Your spouse tries to talk you out of going to the gym, or make you feel guilty about it:

"Why can't you spend time with me instead of running off to the gym?"

"We're strapped for cash and you spend $50 a month on a stupid gym membership?"

"Why do you go to the gym so often? Are you seeing someone up there?"

So why do they do it? Well, they may be doing it consciously or unconsciously. It can be done out of hatred or competition, but the usual culprits are jealously and fear.

Example: Your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse (who usually hasn't been bitten by the fitness bug) sees you losing fat and getting more defined. Your body is looking better and better. He or she is afraid you'll leave for a better looking partner, so they try to sabotage you in order to "keep you." Delusional thinking? You bet, but frighteningly common.

Another example is the jealous co-worker. She sees your discipline and hard work, and she watches as your body changes. She's failed at fat loss many times in the past and she's jealous of your achievements. Her attempts at sabotage can take many forms: caustic comments (often made as thinly disguised jokes), tempting you with crappy food, subtly discouraging your healthy behaviors, or even spreading rumors that you must be "on something."

One of the most biting comments is used against females who lose a lot of fat: "Isn't it interesting that losing weight makes a person look older?" Ouch. It takes a really toxic person to fire off that not-so-cleverly disguised attack. (Sorry, you may think I'm picking on women here. No, both sexes can be saboteurs; women are just really, really good at it.)

These types of saboteurs behave this way to make themselves feel better. Your discipline and success is like a slap in the face to them. Without saying a word, you're making their excuses look pathetic. These infectious whiners won't be inspired by you; they'll be offended. Nothing angers a toxic person more than seeing someone else succeed.

I've seen toxic men use these same tactics on their wives. You'd think a man would want his overweight wife to get into shape, right? Not if he's toxic! These men might not like having overweight wives, but they'll do everything they can to keep them that way.

Why? Rampant insecurity. Keeping your wife fat is a great way to control her and keep her at home. This is usually coupled with verbal and emotional abuse. And yes, I've seen insecure women do the same thing to their husbands and boyfriends.

Sound crazy? It is, but I can't tell you how many times I've tried to help someone with their Velocity Diet only to have their spouse do everything in their power to ruin it. And here's where we learn about how devious the saboteur can be. You know what the most common form of sabotage is for these poisonous personalities? This line right here:

"Honey, I love you just the way you are. You don't have to lose weight."

Bullshit. That's a velvet hammer used to squash another person's opportunities. It's sleazy and dirty and only used by an insecure person who's emotionally retarded. Aesthetics aside, I'd be wary of any person who doesn't want his or her significant other to make positive health decisions.

"I love you just the way you are" is a polite way of saying "I'll feel inadequate and lazy if you get into shape and I don't. Please stay fat and increase your risk of heart disease, cancer, and diabetes. Better you die at age 45 that me feel insecure or pressured to get into shape myself!"

A few things to keep in mind regarding the V-Diet saboteur:

#1: Watch for poisonous patterns.

Not everyone who offers you a slice of pizza or suggests you skip a workout is a saboteur. What you're looking for here are consistent patterns of behavior. How often does the person do this? How many different ways does the person try to do it?

#2: There are no "casual" negative comments.

If someone regularly makes nasty remarks, even in a joking manner, he could be a saboteur. Remember, saboteurs can be awfully subtle and polite about derailing your progress. They employ the "death by a thousand cuts" technique. And their tongues are wicked sharp. The closer the person is to you (spouse or parent), the deeper the cuts.

#3: The V-Diet saboteur is the one with the problem.

It's easy to take these attacks personally, but you shouldn't. The Saboteur is the one with the "issues," not you. Their insecurity, jealously, and self-loathing are forced on you because you represent the opposite. Even though you don't mean it, you're a symbol of their failings and shortcomings.

#4: The toxic person is seldom seen by you as an "enemy."

Although they can be, the actions of a saboteur are seldom overt. And the saboteur himself is seldom a person who obviously has it in for you. The most prevalent saboteurs come from within your own family and close circle of friends.

#5: Sabotage often comes disguised as concern, a favor, or a nice gesture.

I was recently contacted by a guy who'd lost thirteen pounds during the first three weeks of his Velocity Diet. Although he had more fat to lose, his family was already filling his head with negative thoughts and lashing out. They told him he was anorexic, that he had a problem, that losing fat was unhealthy, that he took "too many pills," and that protein would damage his kidneys.

No surprise, everyone in his family was obese and did nothing but vegetate in front of the TV and eat potato chips. But still, verbal barbs like this coming from your family can be the sharpest and most frustrating.

Were they really concerned? No. They were upset that this guy was climbing out of the box they'd put him in. His success was making them feel inadequate. His fat loss reminded them that they were obese couch spuds. Luckily, this guy resisted the pull of the fatty flock and dodged their attempts at sabotage.

Side note: Saboteurs sometimes travel in packs.

#6: Dealing with the V-Diet saboteur

A co-worker can usually be ignored. Once you learn to recognize and interpret these attempts at sabotage, you can see them for what they often are: a sign that you're accomplishing something. Take it as a compliment. Eat it up and thrive on it.

But what about the friend, family member or spouse? Dr. Glass recommends confronting them with humor. I agree, the straightforward approach is the best. End the game as fast as possible. When they try to sabotage you, ask them directly about it:

"Why are you offering me a cookie when you know I'm dieting for summer?"

"Why do you try to keep me from going to the gym?'

This is especially effective when the saboteur doesn't even realize what he or she is doing. Remember, these are often delusional people wrapped in a security blanket of defense mechanisms, and a reality check is just what they need. It'll be very difficult for them to continue with their sabotaging ways after you point out what they're doing.


The Final Word on the Saboteur

The V-Diet and the healthy lifestyle that follows is all about achievement and living a full, engaged life. The foundation of this is exercise and a healthy diet. With that solid base, anything is possible and all aspects of life are enriched. The saboteurs hate that, and they secretly resent you for doing what they either can't or won't.

The bitter, complacent people out there don't want you to rise above the norm. You're not allowed to be different. Today, "normal" is fat, weak and unhealthy, and their message to you is "Stay in your box!" Given the chance, they'll drag you down and lock you up.

Listen to what people around you are really saying. Spot the saboteurs, let them know you're on to them, and diffuse them.

[rere]

I used to be a slim fcuk prior to strength training so I realized I got the same comments as I did back then as I do now.
Everyone comments on how big my back is and my butt and I look too hard The only person who said I looked good was my Longtime friend and my little sister. I think complaints from the family/people will always be around to keep us in check and to make sure we stay on the road of strength training.

[HarrisonSL]

Cant agree with mehdi, elvarouza and mr walk enough!
My family:
Sister-"You cant eat four eggs a day youll die, oh my god"
Mum- "dont get too big youll look awful" "why not do some jogging instead"
sister and mum "you cant eat that youll get fat"
"If you eat all that fat youll die"
my dad always cautious as he is more open minded usually just "be careful..."

That was when i started. Like mehdi advises lead by example.
Now my mum asks me about diet advice, my dad tells his friends "god my son can lift 160 kilos now!"
asks me strength training advice, wants me to teach him to squat (he is an avid cyclist)
Once people see you are into things that your mindset wont be changed by their comments and that you are genuinely well read on the subject and know your stuff, and you can break it down and explain it to them, theyll be more understanding.

On the other hand Girlfriends and stuff "your always at the gym" "you should do that youll get hurt" "spend more time with me"
Go with mr walks advice, "I love the gym more than you " "yeah but you can look after me" "God no "
You cant change everyone's mind so its best to take everything with a pinch of salt and brush what you can off with humor. Once people see that their comments are wasted theyll stop bothering, or if they persist explain.

Some of my friends as well when i go to the pub with them "why do you bother going to the gym" " you shouldnt" "hang out with us more"
its up to you how you spend your time, you don't have to justify that to anyone.

sabotage indeed!

[FilthyMcNasty]

The types who come to gyms here, besides other foreigners, are mostly "lower class" types with tattoos

Nice generalisation dude, wow, latent prejudice or what.....

[muddy]

The types who come to gyms here, besides other foreigners, are mostly "lower class" types with tattoos

Nice generalisation dude, wow, latent prejudice or what.....

I really doubt Tresbien meant it as an expression of his own views and hence the scare quotes, but I'll let him speak for himself. I've seen this myself when living in Beijing for awhile -- tattoos are not at all well-regarded by most of society in China. The cultural stigma is much stronger than in the U.S., even the U.S. of 50 years ago. My wife, who is Singaporean, says this extends to much of Asia, including Vietnam. So if you find yourself in China in a place where most of the people have tattoos, you are most definitely in an unusual place, which will almost certainly be looked down on by most of the rest of the people around. I'm not saying it is right or wrong, it's just a cultural fact if you spend any time there.

[FilthyMcNasty]

The types who come to gyms here, besides other foreigners, are mostly "lower class" types with tattoos

Nice generalisation dude, wow, latent prejudice or what.....

I really doubt Tresbien meant it as an expression of his own views and hence the scare quotes, but I'll let him speak for himself. I've seen this myself when living in Beijing for awhile -- tattoos are not at all well-regarded by most of society in China. The cultural stigma is much stronger than in the U.S., even the U.S. of 50 years ago. My wife, who is Singaporean, says this extends to much of Asia, including Vietnam. So if you find yourself in China in a place where most of the people have tattoos, you are most definitely in an unusual place, which will almost certainly be looked down on by most of the rest of the people around. I'm not saying it is right or wrong, it's just a cultural fact if you spend any time there.

Muddy, I get what your saying but they're are plenty of posts on here about how Stronglifts embraces a non judgemental, egalitarian philosophy it.
SL is an international forum so regional prejudices don't cut it with me as an excuse. I'm not in China, or Singapore or anywhere else, I'm in a forum and remarks like "lower class types with tattoos" are not conducive to a 1.5BW squat.

[mjh]

You've taken that remark entirely out of context. Tresbien is using it in an ironic sense, talking about the prejudice against weight training and tattoos in Vietnamese (and much of Asian) culture, not his own. I've corresponded with Tresbien and I am certain that that is not his view. I've also lived in Asia and experienced these attitudes for myself:

Is there a gym I can go to to lift weights?

You shouldn't go there. Only bad types of man do that.

and one day, in Korea, after I rolled my sleeve up to reveal a small, innocuous tattoo

ooooh, Mickey teacher's a gangster!

They then play-acted shooting me with pistols cocked at 90 degrees, like they see in American movies.

[FilthyMcNasty]

How can you know if I've taken out of context something somebody else has said. Surely only they can know the context intended, and Tresbien can weight in with that anytime he likes.
So what you're meaning is that is should have been obvious he mean lower class Vietnamese. The fact they just happened to have tattoos had no bearing on his arbitrary assessment of their position in society.
As far as your story goes, I'm not sure what it illustrates, Koreans have jaded views of tattooed people? Ok, so what. I'm not Vienamese, or Korean, neither are you, neither is Tresbien, just because something negative gets perpetuated "out there" doesnt mean it needs to be repeated in here.

[holvoetn]

Do you got tattoos ? Is that maybe the problem ?

You clearly have taken a quote out of context by just quoting a very short part of the paragraph. A bit further in that same paragraph Tresbien said these were nice people. That should already have made things clear as far as his views with respect to this persons were.
Nobody seems to have misunderstood except apparently you.

Why all the fuss ?
Anyhow, I am off for a week ...

[FilthyMcNasty]

Do you got tattoos ? Is that maybe the problem ?

You clearly have taken a quote out of context by just quoting a very short part of the paragraph. A bit further in that same paragraph Tresbien said these were nice people. That should already have made things clear as far as his views with respect to this persons were.
Nobody seems to have misunderstood except apparently you.

Why all the fuss ?
Anyhow, I am off for a week ...

-No, my tattooed/non tattooed status is not the problem, reinforcing negative stereotypes is.
-Prefixing a statement with "clearly" does not make it accurate.
-Calling ppl nice in one breath and low class in another,does not make the latter ok.
-Everybody else is welcome to their views and I'm entitled to express mine. If you're so concerned with majority views you should be doing biceps curls in the squat rack, but you don't. So the majority is not really relevant is it.
Enjoy you're week off.