complaints from the wife, family

[Tresbien]

Hi guys, it's been awhile. I'm in Vietnam now and missed MJH by a day. I've been here since November 11th, and did manage to find a gym after a week. Unfortunately I can't do deadlifts, so I'll deal with that.

The main concern I have right now is that I'm hearing from my in-laws and others that know themthat I'm fat, and that strength training makes you look ugly. It's strange, but then again this is a country where most of the people are bone thin from a very active life and low calorie diet. These ideas have seeped into the head of my wife, and now daily, almost hourly it seems that I'm getting complaints about my body being to big and how she doesn't like alot of muscle, etc.

I'm at the point now where I am running out of polite replies. Short of taking my shirt off and posing, which won't help anyway since they consider muscles ugly, I am at a loss as to how to deal with it. I don't really expect any answers, but I needed something to vent towards since none of my Vietnamese friends seem to get it either.

[Mehdi]

You're doing this for you: because of all the benefits (esp. health) it gets you. If they don't like it, it's their problem. Either that or you stop what you're doing. But this is called pleasing people, a never ending game once you start it.

[Dada]

Yeah, just do it and don't worry what they think. I bet some of them smoke (you could throw that in their face but that wouldn't really get you anywhere). At least you are doing something that's actually good for you like Mehdi said.

I would just explain that what you are doing should be considered a sport or something along those lines. Maybe that will be more acceptable in their culture.

[baatzt]

"If you're good at what you do, no one cares what you look like." - Mark Twight

I personally think your friends' approach to this "problem" is a bit silly and unfair to you. With that being said, I do not think throwing personal stuff about their bad habits, lifestyle etc. in their face will solve anything. It sounds rather like a cultural issue. You come from what, US? To Vietnam, this takes a lot of accustoming from your side. I think a bit of mutual respect would be in the demand here.
Either way, when it comes to your friends and even your wife don’t make it a bigger problem, try to somehow find a reasonable solution to this.

Hope You wok it out

[eLvarouza]

Yeesh I know how it feels. Whenever I see my mom for holidays or whatever she'll always comment on how big I am and how I'll look gross if I get bigger, etc. I'm 6' 1" 185lbs and plan to hit at least 100kg (220lbs) but I would never tell her that cause she'd freak out.

Your friends just sound like they're being jealous/stupid whatever. I'm sure your wife will understand if you just sit down and explain why you're doing what you're doing or whatever. Just tell her you enjoy becoming stronger and that's it's good for health, etc. etc. etc., I'm sure you have plenty of reasons.

It's silly of people to judge, especially over something beneficial like being stronger. It could just be veiled jealously on the part of your friends, who knows. Remember that stronger people are harder to kill, and more useful in general.

And for those who think that's just a mantra, read this study: http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articl ... d=18595904

[Dada]

I'm sure your wife will understand if you just sit down and explain why you're doing what you're doing or whatever. Just tell her you enjoy becoming stronger and that's it's good for health, etc. etc. etc., I'm sure you have plenty of reasons.

Yeah, I have had to remind my wife several times that it's a positive thing and good for the health etc. She doesn't really have a problem with me being in shape but thinks it takes time away from her and the kids or whatever. Which actually is bullshit because I usually train when she is busy on the computer or something like that and the baby is asleep. And of course my trusty training partner (my 3 year old) is usually in the garage with me messing around with the eliptical machine, riding his tricycle, or otherwise pretending to work out - getting big like the Hulk or strong like Popeye. lol

[Love_Deadlifts]

Don't let them get in your head. Tell them that it's not about getting bigger but getting stronger and more physically fit. If they have a problem with that they obviously don't have your best interest in mind. And what kind of family/friends would tell you that you look ugly? Seriously, that pisses me off!

[Jim Slade]

People come and go iron is forever.

Seriously though the only way I've ever convinced people to leave me alone and stop telling me I'm "too big" and "muscles are ugly" without just offending them by calling them "worthless and weak" is to agree with them but just say that I love the sport of lifting and that getting big is a side effect of lifting the weight rather than the goal, like a big back and shoulders on an olympic swimmer. This seems to placate people who I feel are basically in awe of weightlifters 'cos we're so great.

[Mehdi]

Great stuff Love_Deadlifts & Jim Slade.

I'm 75kg at 1m73, so by all standards I'm a light weight. My granny has started to call me "the bull" during the last months. She says "Mehdi has a thick neck, like bulls have". So know my parents & brothers have given me a new nick name "the bull". I'm laughing at it while I type this. People are amazing.

I wrote this before: you're always going to be labelled by people. If you're not "the bull" or the muscle guy or the healthy guy, then you're the fat guy with the man boobs and the beer belly and what else. So at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. Once you start pleasing people, it never ends: they are always to annoy you with their stuff until you stop caring about what they think and do what you want to do. If I ever had listened to what people told me, I wouldn't be lifting weights anymore today, I wouldn't have quit my job to start to this blog, and a lot of other "crazy" things I did at least in their mind but which made perfectly sense to me.

What I do with that money may seem crazy to those sons of bitches in Houston. I'm sure it does, but it all makes good sense to me. You got that? - The Aviator

[Reydebastos]

I strongly suspect it's a cultural thing, as was mentioned sort of obliquely. Funny for me, here in the States I get comments about how skinny I am, even having been called "anorexic" once. (That time, I answered by telling the girl how fat she was, but that's another story) When I go visit family in South America, people marvel at my muscles. I guess when you consider the rampant obesity here and the rampant exposure to smoking from an early age there, it's not hard to understand that I'm merely being classified according to the norm for body types in each place...

As in other aspects of life, I think the answer for you is: do what you know is right, and the peanut gallery say what it will.

[Jim Slade]

From now on Mehdi will be "The Bull" to me, that's possibly the coolest gym name I've ever heard, in fact you should change your forum id. I don't admit it very often but I love people refering to me by putting the word "big" before my name. It's a badge of time served under the iron. Every time some girl tells me I'm too big and muscles are ugly I'm happy that I stand out from the herd but I don't admit it.

[ryano3]

That is there point of view, everyone has opinions, you can't cater to everyone, take them into consideration sure, but like Mehdi said, you can't please everyones. If they really are your frinds and your family loves/cares for you, they should understand it is your choice to do what you do and nobody elses, and if they are loyal they should understand and respect you decision.

I too get the comments from friends and family, but mostly for the better. My mom always says 'not to get too big' as if there are going to be really bad consequences and side effects in doing so(I'm gonna have to buy XXL shirts! ooo shit, that will suck!), but that is a by her measure, at 5'11 154 pounds i am nothing near big by any means. My friends give me props for coming along from my stature a couple years back, and how much stronger, tougher, better looking and a better athlete I've become. But at the end of the day i know i lift because it's something i love doing and give 100% conviction to. Some call me obsessed, some say I aint shit till i can squat 1.5x bodyweight ATG. You got to understand yourself and have self respect above all else.

Peace.

[Mehdi]

From now on Mehdi will be "The Bull" to me, that's possibly the coolest gym name I've ever heard, in fact you should change your forum id. I don't admit it very often but I love people refering to me by putting the word "big" before my name. It's a badge of time served under the iron. Every time some girl tells me I'm too big and muscles are ugly I'm happy that I stand out from the herd but I don't admit it.

Heh Had this girl last night "you workout". Me: "no I was born like that". She: "hihi, no seriously you do fitness or something". Me:"myeah with the pink weights and stuff, fitness".

I forgot to tell her "the bull" story, ah well.

[holvoetn]

Heh Had this girl last night "you workout". Me: "no I was born like that". She: "hihi, no seriously you do fitness or something". Me:"myeah with the pink weights and stuff, fitness".

I forgot to tell her "the bull" story, ah well.

Maybe better this way for now.
She might have been a tad intimidated if she heard you run this place

[Doo]

I expected this topic to be one where the family is complaining about time spent working out. I have experienced. I ignored them but made sure that I still did family stuff even if it meant shifting a workout day and months later I have not heard a word. One of my programs was 4-day and I sensed some tension but I am back to 3-day and it works perfectly.

I haven't got to Tresbien's stage where family may complain about muscle size. I am looking forward to it . Actually, I think they will be supportive...as long as I don't look like a competing bodybuilder .