Help: Cut contact with a girl and really regret it. Dating.

[flexiss]

I am a regular member on these boards but decided to post on an alternate account to help keep my identity hidden. This is very personal. I really appreciate any advice you can give me.

I think I met the love of my life months ago. She was intelligent, hard working and a great character. She put family and friends first and was very witty. She is the only girl I have got on with properly actually; I rarely get on with girls properly on a proper level (apart from during sex). But I have come to realize sex is only a small part of it all.

We dated for 3-4 months.

She cared about people around her and always made an effort. To top this, we also had things in common and we had a great time together. We were never bored and had great laughs. And great sex.

However she was overweight (heavier than me at the time actually, and I'm a fair bit taller than the average guy. So quite a big girl.). This kept digging at me. It bothered me. However our sex life was absolutely brilliant. I personally found her attractive. The main source of the problem was presenting her to other people as my partner, especially family. I guess this roots down to me being insecure as a person (?? can't think of anything else ??) and way to focused on looks. Especially how other people may think about the looks. All men in my family generally dated/married *very* traditionally beautiful and pretty women without exceptions, so I'm a bit afraid of "standing out" I guess. I'm an above average looking dude and I just get this feeling everyone expects me to settle down with some model.

The girl is really pretty in my personal opinion, just carries some extra weight. You would not see her on some magazine cover.

I thought a lot about what other people would think when dating her. I never introduced her to my family because of this. It was a stressing situation for me while dating her. Like being in heaven and hell at the same time. I'm not a manipulative person and hate keeping secrets, so as I got more involved and starting to care for her more I got more stressed.
For the record, I never received any negative comments when I was out with her - so I have a suspicion the problem is only in my HEAD.

... So I broke off with her. Told her I didn't want to see her anymore. My main reason for this was her weight. I am REALLY ashamed of myself. Spit-on-myself-ashamed.
This very was hard, but I felt it was a necessity. I felt she deserved somebody that was NOT worried about these things and could introduce her into his life properly and take proper care of her. She introduced me to her closest family, I felt I could not do the same for the reasons above, and that's when I started having doubts/issues.

We cut all contact. She said she could not be my friend and keep in touch, as it would be to complicated for her. As a result I have not spoken to her for months and months, and I REALLY miss her. I wish I was different and could have dealt with it. She is the type of person I could spend the rest of my life with.

In hindsight, a year or so older I realize my massive mistake. I may have met the only girl I will ever love, and ditched her because of some stupid issue that wasn't even based on my own opinions, but on what other people's opinions may be!

I'm just confused about what to do. A part of me REALLY wants to contact her again. Another is afraid to do so. Partially because there is a possibility of being rejected; another is I'm not 100% sure I am past the original issues. I hate myself for this. But there isn't a single day where I don't think about her.

What can I do to get over this barrier of doing what I feel is right for me without caring what other people think? This thread is as much about this; as potentially getting her back into my life. Both would be of great value to me.

Please help me. I would especially appreciate your input Mehdi. I feel like no matter what I do; I'm losing out here.

I can be with other women; but I just don't enjoy it the same way. For the record my age is between 20-25. I've never been in a serious and long term relationship before but I've slept with several women. Some I met in town same night, others I knew quite well.

[Shoke]

in my opinion, you should just suck it up, chalk it up to experience, and move on...you're only in your early 20's man, plenty of time to meet other people....at least now you know that physical appearance is not everything when it comes to relationships (I've also had the same lesson before)....once you get older and meet other types of women, you'll realise this

[Trifin]

move on brother. what's done is done. we've all been in similar situations. It's part of growing up. we live and learn. Now you won't make the same mistake twice.

[flexiss]

A lesson well learned.
I'll avoid contacting her.

Thanks for your advice.

[Mehdi]

Guys do that. We're ego-driven. We will do stuff just to look better compared to other guys. Like dating superhot women, because all our friends say she's superhot, while we feel miserable around them. You get to get over that. If you want someone hot, because that's what you like, then that is ok, do not settle for less than you want in life. If you want it because you care about what other think, then you really need to think about if you want to spend your life pleasing people. Reading your post, it seems it's both.

If you've never been in serious/long-term relationship you have no base to compare. Saying stuff like "she's the only one I'll ever love" doesn't make sense. Let go of it.

[JohnAnthny]

or........you can show/email this post to her, after all what you have typed indicates that you respect her and accept her for who she is and that is something she will want (hopefully) in a relationship. Now, It may not be enough to open the door back up but...I see no reason to not persist 1 more time if you feel compelled.

[JohnAnthny]

..but telling her your ending it primarily because of her weight must of been devastating to her. I cringed when i read that. I would recomend never doing that ever again to a woman, unless she deserved it. lol


So your a little like me. We're both young, we do Stronglifts, and we've experienced that sex with a 'bigger' girl can be amazing.

What will be will be...but moving forward be man enough to do what makes you happy.

[Mehdi]

or........you can show/email this post to her, after all what you have typed indicates that you respect her and accept her for who she is and that is something she will want (hopefully) in a relationship. Now, It may not be enough to open the door back up but...I see no reason to not persist 1 more time if you feel compelled.

You make me feel like throwing up. The stuff you see in movies doesn't work in real life.

[flexiss]

Thanks for the help.

I've thought about it rationally and have decided that I'm not getting in touch. In hindsight it was not a very difficult choice. Putting it in the "shit happens and you learn from it"-book and moving on towards the million(s) of gorgeous women out there.

..but telling her your ending it primarily because of her weight must of been devastating to her. I cringed when i read that. I would recomend never doing that ever again to a woman, unless she deserved it. lol

I was never rude or treated her bad. I'm a believer that being honest and upfront even if it sometimes can get uncomfortable is the best way forwards. Really, I believe that being shallow is actually worse than being overweight. The good thing about self realization is that you identify something with yourself that you can work on.

[TakeFive]

You make me feel like throwing up.

Finally! We've found the line where Mehdi crosses from his usual "Stay Positive" message to normal emotion like the rest of us!

My 5 cent opinion? You'd never be happy with this girl because appearance matters to you. And physical fitness. That's why your here. And as you continue to progress in your fitness, the differences will become even greater.

You're not being shallow by desiring certain traits in people you want to be with. What if she was perfect, but had an out of control credit card habit? Or some other habit you considered undesirable. Would you feel bad about saying “Hey, I don’t think this is a good fit” and walking away?

And don’t think you can change her. My observation is that very few people, baring some traumatic event, rarely make a permanent change. I see this at the gym all the time. People that came in 5 years ago overweight are still overweight. People that were in shape are still in shape. Sure, there’s some exceptions, but they are mighty few.

Your friend might even loose weight after being dumped by you (and you’ll be tempted to grovel for her forgiveness). Forget it. This is who she is and who you are. Accept it and move on.

[JohnAnthny]

or........you can show/email this post to her, after all what you have typed indicates that you respect her and accept her for who she is and that is something she will want (hopefully) in a relationship. Now, It may not be enough to open the door back up but...I see no reason to not persist 1 more time if you feel compelled.

You make me feel like throwing up. The stuff you see in movies doesn't work in real life.

lol..one piece of information I overlooked was that shewanted no further contact after you broke it off. With that taken into account then I wouldnt even consider getting back in touch with her. The damage was done and as we all know there are plenty of other women who want us so no point in chasing one. My apologies for missing out on that tidbit.

However, my idea of showing/emailing her the post would be a last resort if you were to get in contact with her and she wasnt buying your sincerity and suspected then you were just trying to use her. Showing her your true thoughts would support your cause and back you up in this instance.

Funny you mention movies, Medhi. I took that personality test last night and came back as:

ESTP "Promoter": These are action-oriented people, often sophisticated, sometimes ruthless -- our "James Bonds.

Perhaps Im a movie director in the making! lol

[Javasmurf]

lol..one piece of information I overlooked was that shewanted no further contact after you broke it off. With that taken into account then I wouldnt even consider getting back in touch with her. The damage was done and as we all know there are plenty of other women who want us so no point in chasing one. My apologies for missing out on that tidbit.

The way I read it, she didn't want any contact because she was still in love with him. I've been in the exact same situation - my last girlfriend broke up with me and wanted us to remain friends.. which was too hard for me to do, since I still had feelings for her. Getting away from the situation usually brings some clarity, though, as in flexiss' case. Today, I wouldn't want her back - not even as a friend. Things may have changed for this girl as well in the months that have gone by - and trying to get back together could prove to be a lot of work, even if it is possible.

I agree that people very rarely make permanent big lifestyle changes. I did it myself, but only after being diagnosed with cancer. You either accept people for who they are, without trying to change them.. or you move on to somebody who's more compatible.

By the way - from experience, I can honestly say I'd prefer a girl with a few extra pounds and a great personality over someone who's supermodel-hot, but insecure and shallow.

[Tintin]

Well none of us will really know what to do since we are not in your shoes. However I think a Buddhism quote can be useful here:
"When you cling you suffer"

You are clinging to the idea of her. A pain that may get worse, as the time you spend apart you romanticize more about the time you spent together. You might think that your life will be complete when you go out with her again, but what if it isn't.

Accepting the choices you make is a big part of being happy with yourself. I don't know what will make you accept breaking up with her, but I'm sure you will find a way to accept your decision in some way.

[adamr]

This is a sad story champ. The reality is you can't contact this girl. You will have hurt her by breaking it off, maybe so much so that she can never have a relationship with you again. It simply wouldn't work. Chalking it up to experience and moving on is the right choice. On the positive side, you have learned a valuable life lesson, and that is something that you will take into other relationships, not just with a partner but with people in general. And that lesson is not to project your own insecurities on to some one else. Some people never learn this, so take that as the silver lining and move on.

[Mehdi]

Well none of us will really know what to do since we are not in your shoes. However I think a Buddhism quote can be useful here:
"When you cling you suffer"

You are clinging to the idea of her. A pain that may get worse, as the time you spend apart you romanticize more about the time you spent together. You might think that your life will be complete when you go out with her again, but what if it isn't.

Accepting the choices you make is a big part of being happy with yourself. I don't know what will make you accept breaking up with her, but I'm sure you will find a way to accept your decision in some way.

Awesome Tintin.