Trouble with Conversations

[Mystikal6700]

That is the one problem I have with girls, I can never think of stuff to say so when I run out ideas it becomes an awkward moment. How do I fix this?

[Foo]

The easiest thing to do is ask questions about them. Don't make it an interrogation, but take an interest in who they are and what they like to do...

You'll find that most people like to talk about themselves. Why there was this one time that I...

[scottyc]

Try reading a book called how to talk to anyone by Leil Lowndes.

Strike up conversations with anyone including men (not mates), if you can't talk to men or grannies normally then you have no chance with women.

Be genuinely interested in the person and don't look like you want something. Make sure you listen to what she says and use that information to ask other questions. Use her name where you can when you do talk and she'll be more than happy to talk about herself for as long as she wants. If she's not comfortable with you she's not gonna wanna give much away hence silences etc. Don't be put off by silences they're not as bad as people think. If you can't think of anything to say, then just make an observational comment about surroundings and then things will start flowing.

All this is pointless if you're not self confident because they'll pick up on it and you'll be fighting a losing battle.

[Mehdi]

First thing: do you have the same problem with guys? Meaning: guys you don't know? If so: practice this with both girls & guys, it's a social skill issue.

* Ask questions: where you're from, what are you doing (work/study), how's your social life, bla bla
* Listen. The key to keeping the conversation going is to listen to what people say and then go deeper into it.
* Be genuine. It must be sincere interest, not with the goal of trying to get something. Think "what can I learn from this person's story?" There's always something to learn.
* Talk about them. Shut up about yourself.
* Silence is ok. Think of it as an intimate moment between the 2 of us. If you feel ok when there's silence, it says a lot about how close you are. You don't need to talk. It's ok to walk away when silence comes, to just stand there and enjoy it, or just to wait and let them initiate.

From Dale Carnege's book:

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six ways to make people like you
1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.

[Mehdi]

Great posts Foo & scottyc.

[MikeD]

^That's a great list Mehdi. It always reminds me of the quote: "You can make more friends in 2 months by becoming interested in other people then you can in 2 years by trying to get other people interested in you".

[Regus]

Here are my two cents tossed in along with everyone else, these are some things that will help keep the ball rolling. This is going to be a LONG post, but I think it is good advice:




- Be warm and friendly, and maintain good eye contact.

- Read "How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie, seriously. Mehdi isn't kidding, I can honestly say that this book changed my life.

- Having a conversation is like tossing a ball back and forth. Whoever has the ball gets to talk, while the other person has to listen. No one should hold the ball on for too long, eventually it has to be passed off. I can't stand it when I try to talk to some one and rather than them "talking to me" they are basically "talking at me" and they never allow me to get a word in.

- Do not be like a boxer, anticipating an opening so you can toss in a quick jab. Relax. Actually listen to what is being said and think about it before you speak, this will help you move the conversation along in productive ways. Its just like they say: "You have two ears and one mouth for a reason".

- Avoid close ended questions, try not to ask stuff that ends in a yes or a no. Always go for open ended questions, this will give you more to work from. "What was that like?" Is a great one.

- Instead of asking "what do you do?" ask something along the lines of: "so how have you been spending your time lately", this gives the person some leeway in answering the question, so if they don't want to talk about work or school they will bring up their hobbies or whatever.

- Don't ask questions you don't care about, it's better to have actual interest than fake interest. The only time I would break this rule would be if the person is REALLY passionate about something, then you HAVE to talk about it, this will help them open up to you.

- Avoid controversial topics like gay marriage and abortion, save that stuff until you've known the person for awhile. Just try to avoid fights altogether, I've always remembered this great quote: "you're in a dance club, not a debate club".

- Avoid the "question train", this is when you ask one question after another. BOOM BOOM BOOM. This can quickly turn into an interrogation, and NOBODY likes that. You can avoid this by making a statement before you ask the next question. You can comment on what they just said, or relate a story from your life based on what they just said. This gives you a bit of a buffer between questions.

-Eventually you are going to have to talk about yourself. Be prepared to answer all your own questions, people will open up to you if you open up as well. So if you ask some one what their favorite movie is then you better be able to answer that as well.

- When you talk about yourself talk from your own perspective, use "I" when describing things, try not to say "you". Instead of: "so when you squat you have to keep a lot of things in mind that it can be really difficult", say this instead: "when I squat I have to keep so many things in mind that sometimes I have a lot trouble doing them". This allows the listener to step into your shoes for a second, rather than have them shoe horned into some abstract concept, which leads me to another point:

- Use emotions. I know this is tough for guys since we never talk about how we feel, but this is very important. Most people don't know how to squat, nor do they care, nor can they relate. BUT, what they can relate to is the frustration that you feel when you can't nail your form, or the feeling of sheer joy when you did your first body weight squats. Example: "I was having such a difficult time doing my squats, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't do them right, it was really frustrating, but the other day I managed to pull one off correctly for the first time, I was so happy, I felt like I was on top of the world!" Emotions can help people relate to you.

- Be as descriptive as possible. Look at any book you've ever read, they never just say: "he woke up and went to work", instead they say: "he awoke from a night of uneasy dreams with an overwhelming sadness and indefinable dread. Today was the day of the big meeting, and he had been fearing this day for months. He rose from his bed like a cadaver, and slowly shuffled his way through his daily routine.... See what I'm saying? One is WAY more memorable than the other, and allows the listener to get a better picture of what you are saying. Toss in a lot of details and adjectives, this helps a lot when you are telling a funny story. WARNING: This needs proper calibration, don't go overboard or else you'll sound like a weirdo.

- What do you do if they don't have an answer to the question you just asked? Just answer your own question and then ask another. For example: You: "What's a good book you've read lately?" , them: "I don't know". DO NOT SAY: "come on, whats a good book you've read?", do not try to press the issue, it will be like pulling teeth. Instead say: "yeah, it can be hard to remember things when you are put on the spot like that. As for me, I recently read......", and you can go on from there.

- What do you do if they answer you, but you can't think of anything to say based on what they said? Try to zero in on the core of the statement, what emotion were they feeling? If they just told you how amazing it felt to balance their check book, but you have no idea how to respond to that; just think about what they just said, what are they really talking about? They said that they had a great feeling after accomplishing something, when was the last time you felt the same way after you accomplished something? When you remember, tell them: "yeah, I know what that's like, just recently I completed strong lifts 5x5 and it was amazing". You get the idea.





So here is the basic structure for a good conversation:

1. Open ended question.
2. They respond.
3. Actually listen to what is being said, really pay attention.
4a. Make a statement about what they just said, or:
4b. You answer you own question with a short little statement about you.
5. They will make a comment on what you just said, you can now ask another open ended question or make a statement.

[marcovirtual]

Good post, Regus! Thanks!