Image credit: jamesgrape
I wrote an article for Leo from zen habits a while back called How to Build Muscle and Lose Fat. Reader Deanowe posted this comment:
Lose fat, gain muscle = me going to the gym and losing the wife…
I feel pity for Deanowe if that’s how his relationship works. But I know what he means. Every girl I meet tries to pull me away from strength training. Here are some remarks I get & how I deal with them.
I Don’t Like Muscles. From my experience and contrary to what many men believe, 8 out of 10 women don’t like muscles.
- It’s New to Them. Most people don’t exercise. Being with a muscular man is a first timer for a lot of women.
- It Makes Them Insecure. One girl told me once: “How am I going to look at the beach lying beside somebody with a body like you?”
- It Makes Them Jealous. Some women also believe you’re more attractive to other women if you’re muscular.
Solution: women want an attractive personality in the first place. If they get an attractive body too, that’s like winning the lottery — once they get used to it. Workout for yourself not for women, it doesn’t matter anyway.
You’ll Hurt Yourself One Day. If I get this one too much, I’ll fake injuries just for fun. Weight lifting is safe. Not exercising because you could injure yourself is lame. I love this reply — if it’s genuine — as it shows they care for you.
Solution: ignore or joke about it. Don’t lose time proving anything.
Can’t You Exercise Tomorrow? Bad. You break the exercise habit & accustom people to skip workouts for reason X. Do it once, and you’ll get plenty of more reasons to skip workouts in the future, “but you did it last time!”
Solution: men need time for their women, friends, and themselves. If you’re not “allowed” to spend 1h30/week doing StrongLifts 5×5, find somebody else. Nothing is worse than having no freedom to do what you need to be happy.
Stay Home: We’ll Exercise Together. A classic. Follow your Johnson & you’ll end up watching TV. Guaranteed.
Solution: workout as planned. If you’re like me, you’ll have energy left for some post strength training cardio at home.
What About You? I’m sure you have other great examples. Click here to share your story in the comment section.
“How am I going to look at the beach lying beside somebody with a body like you?” — Classic. Most guys would be bragging for months if a girl ever said this to them!
I was in a pretty long & serious relationship for about 4 years. She verbally encouraged me to go work out and to take some “me” time. But then sometimes if I went to the gym for an hour or two after work, she’d be upset because I wasn’t spending enough time with her.
To be honest, though, the hard part wasn’t convincing her that I needed to go work out. It was convincing myself that I wasn’t being a bad boyfriend by taking that time for myself. We eventually broke up. It wasn’t because of the conflict over workout time, but I have noticed that I work out a lot more now, and that working out makes me happy.
message for deanowe:
i am a busy guy (not just saying that like most people when they are making excuses). i want to be around for my family and love to spend time with them so what am i to do? answer is real simple, get up earlier then everyone else, workout (only takes about an hour), get home before anyone wakes up. they don’t even have to know that i went to the gym. or even simpler, grow some balls (was that to harsh?).
good article, luckily for me my wife loves her man muscular and strong.
PEACE!
if your partner doesn’t want that… that is insecure and foolish…
[...] I had another one of those typical disagreements about my workout routine. Then today, Mehdi on StrongLifts.com writes about exactly [...]
If it’s only 1h30′ then it’s not that big a deal, but some people will work out 5 * 1.5 hour (plus add traveling time to the gym) and you’ll have a friend who’s never around, just to sleep, eat and have sex. Now I could see that as a problem for some women.
Apart from that I told my girlfriend that she loves me for who I am, not for how I look (agreed) and then told me that doing this strength training IS what I am, and the consequences of the change in my physical appearence is just a bystanding product of that process, not a goal per see. Not being able to workout would mean I would be suffering as much (I’d say more, but hee) as she would when I would deny her hobbies.
Besides I work out at lunch at work and on sunday morning, so there’s hardly any interference with our “quality together time” or what have you.
Holy geezus what kind of freak shows do you people date?
Look, if I start dating a woman and I’m already strength training she is going to know that I’m a muscular guy so she had better like that. I’m not going to stick around with some woman who wants to change who I am. If every woman I met tried to pull me away from the gym I’d start meeting women in both places.
That’s why I love my girlfriend. I met her playing volleyball so she shares that passion with me and she enjoys the gym as much as I do. Never going to hear a peep from her about doing either.
My wife Katie and I began the beginning strength program about 1 1/2 months ago. I asked her to try it out for a month and then make a decision about it. Even though part of me would rather go by myself and choose my own pace, I have to go slower when I work out with her, it has been a great bonding time and has helped our relationship grow. So far there has been only one time at the gym where my wife hasn’t cried because she says it was too hard, but she still does it and does not give up. After a month she told me although it is very difficult, she is feeling stronger and enjoys the results. I encourage you guys to sweet talk your women into going to the gym with you. It may not be your ideal situation, but at least you can stick with strength training and grow in your relationship.
In my experience, a good quality woman may not love your routine or physical self-absorption, but she will come to accept it as part of you and in fact maybe actually admire and value you for your discipline and devotion to an activity that doesn’t involved spending money or drinking LOL
It’s only the low self-esteem, needy women who cannot tolerate a man who takes a portion of his day or week to refine his body. The women who need all the attention and cannot share you with anyone or anything.
I don’t hide or disguise my #1 priorities to anyone and all. Number 1 is my son, #2 is me (that includes a strict regimen of weights and diet). In the past I might have tried to act different for the sake of a woman’s attention…screw that. Too old for that now! It’s my way or the highway, woman!
And believe me, I don’t have any illusions about weights…women do not give a rat’s ass about muscles, so ultimately I’m doing this only for myself, and no one else.
Sex is the best post strength cardio and the only one I do =)
Well, in my opinion you could just as well title the post “What if…doesn’t want you to take care of your health?”, because training, whether it’s strength training or sport specific, is in the end all about staying healthy. If your partner doesn’t want you to take the time to be healthy, something is not right, either with her or the relationship.
A woman who loves you will encourage you in strength training, if not, then she just doesn’t love you.
I have been told I will never have sex without paying cash. That’s perfectly fine for me: all of my girlfriends are call-girls or porn actresses. I just love them and give them all the support and passion they need. But as Braveheart said: “They can take our lives, but they cannot take our freedom!”. As long as I keep them satisfied and give them total freedom, they cannot argue with me about my values in life either. Sorry for my poor English skills, but I am from Romania - as in Romanian deadlifts or Sandra Romain, if you prefer - and I learn this language from http://www...
Really nice post Mehdi!
If a girl says some of this stuff to me, the next time she needs some house work help, or anything else that needs some level of “fitness”, I’ll just say: “Sorry, I don’t workout anymore” or similar, with a sly smile on my face. She’ll just laugh, and I’ll go workout. Win-win!
If someone’s partner doesn’t want him or her to work out it’s most likely because they’re afraid that one day they’ll be too good for them and find somebody else. The one who doesn’t work out will continuously look worse as time goes on, and the other will keep looking better.
I don’t wanna condone female violence. But whenever my gf complains i smack her in the face. Depending on the slap, it keeps her quiet for a couple of weeks. I guess she doesnt want me to go to the gym because i’ve been getting stronger and my slaps strength has increased
That’s awesome
The funniest thing I had happen when I was working out hard core (7 years ago) was my GF (became my wife 2 years later) was punching me in the arm (where bi’s and tri’s meet) for something silly I said. She was punching pretty hard (for her), so I flexed my arm and it was like she hit a brick wall. Then she was mad for me making her hurt her hand on my arm. Hehe, it was worth it.
I have been down this road more than once. The first time was when I was a runner. I met someone who was also running, but apparently it was to meet a fit guy. then she stopped running and started complaining. A lot. Not one to argue much, I told her to try not to let the door hit her in the ass on the way out. C’ ya! Simply put, females crave attention and they don’t want to have to compete with us and our silly activities. A lot of insecurities going on. There’s more, but don’t get me started!
The guy talking about “stay at home so we can workout together” is right on the mark. If you are serious about getting in shape and she isn’t , don’t waste you time buying a home gym. It won’t get used and your money will be wasted. Join a gym and if she complains tell her that you are doing it for her. That gets them everytime!
How about the HUSBAND (now ex-husband) who complains that his wife spends too much time working out. He wants dinner on the table “at a reasonable hour”.
Works two ways here, boys. I bet she won’t mind you working out for an hour or two every evening if you come home and do some housework for an hour. Without asking what to do or how to do it. Give it a try……just some advice from the other side.
My pet peeve: men who say they don’t like muscular women. Translation: “I don’t like you because you can outlift me.”
Mehdi you’ve obviously touched a nerve here. I had no idea this issue affected so many people! I think it’s quite sad when people don’t take their partner’s hobbies seriously. On the other hand, some give and take has to be involved. For example, if you were down the gym 5 nights a week for a couple of hours (incl travel time, changing etc) and then arrived home tired and a bit sleepy, I could understand a partner feeling a little left out.
Men, you need to encourage your women to go to the gym and lift weights. Not all of them will be interested, but some might be! They probably think it is an intimidating blokey thing, so make an effort to ‘debunk’ some of the common myths around strength training and show them how much fun it is!
ClickerTrainer & Gubernatrix. I have some idea’s for a follow post more towards women, I’ll see if it’s interesting enough to publish it. But it certainly works two ways.
I would absolutely fall out if the husband decides to weight train! He finds time to watch CSI but doesn’t even have half an hour to squat!!!! GRRRRRR……………..
And any woman that says she doesn’t like muscle is straight lying.